Saturday, January 10, 2009

Experimental entry: Stuff Black and Gold People Like

Here's some good news: Yet another lawyer has started yet another sports blog. It's called Anything But Gatorade and it has a Kentucky slant but the guy's wife is a Vanderbilt grad so of course he's also interested in the Commodores because he has to be.

Anyway, he's got a post called Stuff Blue and White People Like (a takeoff on Stuff White People Like) and he asked me to post Stuff Black and Gold People Like. I graduated from Vanderbilt nearly a score ago and I live in Georgia but I went ahead and made a list, drawing from all the usual stereotypes. (That's right, I'm not from Texas, but Texas loves me anyway. And yes, Barry Goheen will always be the greatest clutch shooter who ever walked the earth.)

So here it is:


1. TEXAS. We like Texas. Because many of us are from Texas. Because many of us are rich and social and want to go to school in a smaller, quaint little state with other rich, social people like us. Exhibit A: Roger Staubach and Ross Perot had daughters who went to Vandy.

2. OR NOT. Or we don’t like Texas. Because many more of us aren’t from Texas, aren’t rich and don’t particularly like other people. And our roommate at Vandy put up a giant Texas flag in our window.

3. ACTING LIKE WE'RE COUNTRY. We like dusting off our cowboy boots and going to singer-songwriter night at the Bluebird. You know, because we’re from Texas. Or our roommate was from Texas. Or our school’s in Music City. Or we bought cowboy boots and go to the Bluebird because it’s a trendy thing to do.

4. FOOTBALL PLAYERS FROM TEXAS. But we do like football players from Texas. Each year, when all the good players in the South sign with Florida, Georgia and Alabama, and all the good players in Tennessee sign with the Volunteers, and all the mediocre players in Tennessee who aren’t very smart sign with MTSU, we’ve got to scour the nation for players. So we go to Texas. On this year’s team, we found a deer hunter/future economist from Southlake named Patrick Benoist who made second team All-SEC linebacker and a Harry Potter look-alike from Spring named Jared Hawkins who leads the Commodores in rushing and of whom Auburn’s Sen’Derrick Marks said, "You don’t see too many white guys like that.”

5. HAVING MORE MONEY THAN YOU. When we lose to you, which is all the time, we like to take solace in the fact that we make more money than you do. Or that hopefully one day we’ll make more money than you do.

6. BASKETBALL PLAYERS FROM KENTUCKY. We like Kentucky high school basketball players who are too goofy to become Wildcats but then become god-like when they put on Commodore uniforms and face UK.

7. AND ESPECIALLY BARRY GOHEEN. We love Barry Goheen, the skinny kid from Calvert City, Ky., who as a freshman scored seven points in the final 12 seconds to beat Tennessee. He also hit a half-court buzzer beater to stun Louisville, burned a trey at the buzzer to take Pittsburgh to overtime and eventual defeat in the NCAA tournament, and shunned a layup that would have tied Georgia at the buzzer in favor of a turnaround three-pointer to beat the Bulldogs in regulation. In fact, ESPN created a special documentary about Goheen and his game-winning shots. Oh yeah, and now he’s a high-powered Atlanta attorney who makes more money than you do.

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